An Equation to Ponder: S = P x R

I’ve met a lot of divorced guys, as well as guys in the midst of the divorce process. For a while my ministry was focused primarily on divorced guys— but now it has a broader focus. I personally have been divorced twice, but I don’t consider that to be my identity.

I will say that because I have personal experience with divorce, as well as the fact that I have read several books on divorce recovery and taught about it, I might possibly be more equipped to discuss, or at least reflect upon it, than the average guy.

Statistically, approximately one-third (33%) of American adults who have ever been married have experienced a divorce, and about 42% of first marriages end in divorce. But statistics have little to no relevance when your life is falling apart all around you, because your spouse wants a divorce. It can be hell on earth. I’ve often heard it said that all politics is local, well even more so—all suffering is local. While suffering is universal in scope, suffering is experienced locally—within one’s own mind, body and immediate environment.

Even if you’re single or a guy living in a great marriage, here are few ideas that might be considered as to how they apply to marriage —and to life in general:

It takes two people to get married, but it takes only one person to get a divorce. This is true in other relationships also. We actually have very little control over what happens in our lives. Your attitude and your reactions, or you might say, your choices, are what fall under your area of control.

My advice to men confronted by a situation where their spouse wants a divorce, but they don’t, is this: First, pray for God’s help. Secondly, seek to understand why your spouse wants a divorce. And at all times, try to react as Christ would; don’t get down in the mud. Seek to react in a way that you won’t regret later on in life—and recognize that there is life after divorce. Do everything in your power to preserve and improve your marriage, but recognize that you are not in control of what your spouse does—and as I said, it only takes one to get a divorce. The failure is not necessarily yours or at least not yours alone.

Here’s an equation that I recently read about in Arthur C. Brooks latest book, THE MEANING OF YOUR LIFE —Finding Purpose In An Age of Emptiness, that makes a lot of sense to me: S=PxR. That’s the abbreviated form of Suffering equals Pain Multiplied (or Magnified) by Resistance.

Emotions, like suffering and pain are terrible, but in the long run we sometimes only make matters worse by our resistance to accepting reality. A multitude of problems can and do arise when we react with meanness and vengeance. And in divorce, too often those reactions also affect your children and close friends.

Another important book I read years ago when I was going through my second divorce was Loving What Is by Byron Katie. She said, “When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100% of the time.” I suggest we all think about that truism for a while and about how it might apply to a situation in our life.

Maybe Winston Churchill’s words during World War II also apply to the war of divorce and to suffering in general. Churchill famously said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Sometimes, we need to accept reality and move on. Rather than unrealistic or ugly, toxic resistance, an alternative way to practice acceptance is taking positive action in response to —or in spite of—pain. Allowing pain to shut you down makes you a passive victim of pain. This  might seem like acceptance, but it’s not. Accepting pain means acknowledging that you’re hurting, and then moving forward anyway.

Author Brooks also writes in his book, THE MEANING OF YOUR LIFE:

The ‘Suffering + Pain x Resistance’ principle also applies to the resistance we feel toward doing things that we don’t want to do.

If we put off or avoid doing something because we dislike the task, this resistance will cause us to suffer the thinking cost of procrastination. While we’re avoiding the work, we still think about it, and some part of us feels guilty for not doing it.

Or if we actually do a task we dislike but put up emotional resistance to the work, we’ll suffer the whole time. We can amplify this suffering by complaining, and even prolong it by continuing to complain after the task is over. To do so is to continue resisting the pain of the task even after it has been completed, which, if you think about it, is absurd. As usual, complaining makes it worse.

And that’s just the small stuff. If we avoid major behavioral change because we think it’ll be painful, we might suffer for years.

I’m reminded of a wise saying about what Hell really is: Hell is being on your deathbed and meeting the person you could have become if you’d lived up to your incredible human potential. In my experience, you don’t have to wait till you’re about to die to experience this Hell; if you’re avoiding necessary personal change, you’re already painfully aware of the gap between who you are and who you could be.

Remember that resistance is a compass that usually points toward the exact thing you ought to be doing right now.

My belief and my experience illustrate that God often uses suffering and pain to help us find the true meaning of our lives. That is the silver lining in my two divorces, and a testament to God’s unfathomable love and mercy —for which I am eternally grateful.

I’ll close with this quote by C.S. Lewis from his famous book, The Problem of Pain: “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pain; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

Has God been shouting at you lately?

Feel free to share your thoughts here on the FATC FORUM. Remember our motto: It’s not just about the fly fishing.

By the way, have you found the meaning of your life? We’d love to hear that story! If not, keep looking by choosing to look in the most fishy-looking water. Remember Jason Randall’s 90/10 rule in trout fishing, which states that 90% of the fish are found in 10% of the water. I think the same principle holds true for the quest for real meaning.

John Muckerman

FATC Inspirational and Leadership Lead